Saturday, April 21, 2007

The Most Sexiest Greenest Unlikely Story of the Year

By , Grist Magazine
This article is reprinted by permission from Grist. For more environmental news and humor sign up for Grist's free email service.
Most thoroughly debunked premise: "The Death of Environmentalism"
Amusingest photo op: President Bush in a white lab coat, squinting vacantly at a vial of biofuel-bound liquid
Most overused headline gimmick: any variant of "inconvenient" or "truth" (just stop it!)
Goodest riddance: Richard "Dick" Pombo
Second-goodest riddance: Conrad Burns
Refreshingest return from the dead: congressional oversight
Greenest mayor: Rocky Anderson
Driest report we actually read: IPCC's Fourth Assessment Report
Slogan most likely to sweep the nation: "Coal is the enemy of the human race."
Company we least expected to beg for carbon caps: ConocoPhillips
Adorablest new eco-heroes: the fourth-grade class at Park School in Massachusetts
Tie: Knut
Hottest conservative: David Cameron
Hottest Canadian: Stephane Dion
Longest-running federal boneheadedness: Interior Department's failure to collect royalties from oil companies drilling in the Gulf of Mexico
Hottest peak: peak oil peak coal peak soil peak chances in hell
Biggest beneficiary of the corn ethanol boom: Archer Daniels Midland
Second biggest: politicians in need of something green-sounding to say
Third: nope, just the two
Least likely climate champion: U.S. Supreme Court
Worst substitute for reducing carbon emissions: reducing "carbon intensity"
Awkwardest incorporation of eco-theme into a sitcom: My Name Is Earl's "Robbed a Stoner Blind" episode
Depressingest study in Science: seafood to be wiped out by mid-century
Second depressingest: Greenland melting fast
Third depressingest: Melting Siberian permafrost packed with CO2
Weakest attempt by Science to cheer us back up: Land corridors encourage biodiversity
Sexiest congressional clean-energy champion: Jay Inslee
Curmudgeonliest: Bernie Sanders
Most aptly named: Barbara Boxer
Most unexpected: Ted Stevens
Most improved: John Dingell
Saddest potential species extinction: Tasmanian devil
Happiest: climate-change skeptics
Hottest concert ticket on earth: Live Earth Antarctica
Eco-issue most likely to be declared "the new black" this coming year: placemaking
Least effective spokesperson for global-warming activism: John Travolta
Most effective: God
Least original glossy magazine idea: the green issue
Ironicalest oversight for a green issue: printing on non-recycled paper
Greenest nudie model: Keeley Hazell
Or was that nudest greenie model?: still Keeley
Insect we least thought we'd miss: bees
Scourge of society we always suspected was responsible: cell phones
Greenest band with music that isn't insufferable treacle: Cloud Cult
Climate convert most likely to give you the heebie-jeebies: Pat Robertson
Tie: Newt Gingrich
Blatantest attempt to exploit the climate crisis: nuclear power industry
Best alternative to nuclear power: URGE2
Least newsworthy press release: your product/organization/band/candidate/cousin went carbon neutral
Second least newsworthy press release: your product/organization/band/candidate/cousin is crossing the country in an alternatively powered vehicle to "raise awareness" of issue X
Best eco-apology: Jon Bon Jovi
Favorite source of angry letters to the editor: alien abductees
Second favorite source of angry letters to the editor: brunettes
Bush most likely to receive some karmic forgiveness: Lauren
Worst song ever to still deserve an Oscar: I Need to Wake Up
Dirtiest smear on a halo: Obama's support for coal-to-liquids
Most creative source of biofuel: Ass fat
Tie: Kitties
Best reason to skip biofuels and go all-electric: Tesla Roadster
Leakiest pipeline operator: BP
Most counterintuitively intriguing: the greenest way to boil water for tea
Most poignant if entirely quixotic gesture: climate resolutions in New Hampshire towns
Scariest factoid: China expects to double its oil use in the next five years
World leader we'd most like to give a backrub to: Wen Jiabao
Eco-hero we'd most like to see body slam Dick Cheney: Mexican wrestler Hijo del Santo
Green celeb we just want to hug: Ed Begley Jr.
Green celeb we just want to ... talk to: Kristen Bell
Biggest danger posed by all the eco-progress made this year: organic-vodka hangovers

No comments: